Donuts of Mass Destruction – Scenes 5 & 6

Scene 5
A Rocky Patch – continued (Bert’s place)

Bert is standing beside his lever. Occasionally he looks upwards and shakes his head. He covers his eyes. He knows he’s going to be in for it. Betty can hardly keep from laughing. Bron is staring at the other end of the lever, sometimes looking under it, very confused. Spinner taps Bron on the shoulder and points upwards. From offstage, PT shouts.

PT: Help!
Spin: Don’t worry, boss. We’ll get you down.
Bron: Where are you, Boss?

Bron still can’t see PT, so Spinner leans Bron back on his tail and points him up. The curtain now reveals PT’s legs swinging.

Bron: Oh yeah. Ha. There he is. Way up there.
PT: Help! Get me down!
Bron: He really did fly.
Spin: Hang in there, PT. We’ll figure something out.

Spinner looks at Bert, who shrugs.

Bron: Wow. All three of his horns got stuck! Ha-ha.
Spin: I’d better go for help.

Spinner exits in a hurry.

PT: Get me down from here, you bozos!
Bron: Spinner’s gone for help. We’ll get you down soon, Boss.
PT: I want down now!
Bron: OK. I’ll see what I can do.

Bron moves back and takes a very slow run at the tree trunk. He crashes against the trunk and pushes with his shoulder, but all he does is make it shake.

PT: Woah-h-h-h-h! Stop! Bron! Stop!
Bron: Maybe I should take a better run at it?
PT: No! No! Stop! Wait for Spinner.

Spinner arrives with Rip and Ugh, who are equipped with dino-saws.

Ugh: Don’t worry boss. We’ll get you down!
Rip: How are we going to do this?
Spin: We got to get that tree out of the way.
Ugh: Yeah. If we cut down the tree, he’ll have to come down.
PT: Get me down!
Rip: Good thinking! Better cut it down.
Ugh: Here goes.

Ugh pulls the starter cord on his dino-saw and goes to the base of the tree. Soon, the air is filled with the chomping of the little wood-chewing lizard. PT tries to stop him, but the noise drowns him out.

PT: What are you trying to do?
Ugh: What did you say?
PT: Stop! Stop! Don’t cut this thing down!
Ugh: What?
PT: I said, “Don’t cu— Whoa! Whoa! Ahh!

There is a loud crash and a scream, as Ugh fells the tree, followed by silence.

Rip: Well, Ugh got him down.
Bron: Yeah! Pretty fast.
Spin: But the boss don’t look happy.

PT enters limping and bruised, with his horns stuck in a broken-off tree branch.

PT: Arghhh! You fool! Your stupid invention nearly killed me!
Bert: I was trying to tell-
PT: You’re fired! Grrrr! Let’s get out of here!

Poppa Tops and the Tarsands Boys exit. Betty bursts into laughter.

Betty: You are clever.
Bert: I tried to tell him.
Betty: He did look funny up there swinging his legs.
Bert: Betty, I don’t want you hanging around Poppa Tops and his gang. They’re a rough bunch.
Betty: And who are you to tell me what to do?
Bert: It’s for your own good. Those guys are trouble.
Betty: If Poppa Tops is so bad, why were you working for him? Mind your own business.
Bert: I – I – uh–

[music starts]

Bert: I thought you were my girl!
Betty: Well, you better think again!
Bert: Can’t you give me another chance? I just need a little more time. I promise I won’t screw up again.
Betty: Huh!

Better Think Again
Betty & Bert

Betty: If you think I want to be with you
Every now and then
While you go out on a date or two
Better think again

Bert: Oh my darling, I’ve been true
Things are not the way they seem
Oh my darling, it’s just you
You are the dino of my dreams

Betty: Tell me what you’ve ever done for me
Every now and then.
If you think you are the one for me
Better think again

Bert: Oh my darling, won’t you stay?
And I say this as a friend
There is so much danger there
I’m asking you to think again!

Both: Tell me now; oh, tell me how
I can make you see
Oh, tell me now; won’t you tell me how
It means so much to me?
It means so much to me.

Betty: If you think I want to be with you
Every now and then
While you go out on a date or two
Better think again!
I am not your darling
Not one more time
I said I’m not your darling
And you’re not mine
Why don’t you get it?

Bert: [in counterpoint]
Oh my darling
I think you better think again
Oh my darling
You better think again!
Oh my darling, I been true
I just need a little time
Oh my darling, some day soon
I am going to make you mine

Both: Tell me why you never see the light
Every now and then
If you think it’s going to be alright
I’m telling you; I’m telling you; I’m telling you
Better think again!!

Betty: I’m leaving!
Bert: Where are you going?
Betty: That way!
Bert: I was going to go that way.
Betty: Then I’m going this way!
Bert: Well if you’re going be like that then, just go!
Betty: The same to you!
Bert: I am going!
Betty: Me too!
Bert: So, what’s keeping you?
Betty: Yeah? What’s keeping you?

After a short hesitation, both groan out of frustration and exit in opposite directions.

Scene 6
Clear Cutting – The edge of the woods)

A group of herbivores are contentedly munching on foliage in the woods. They chant in rhythm with just a drum set accompaniment.

Yum, Crunch [no demo yet]

Yum, crunch, chew, munch
Mmm! These do taste good!
Yum, crunch, chew, munch
Like good leaves should!
Yum, crunch, chew, munch
Mmm! All that we please!
Yum, crunch, chew, munch
Long live the trees!

Poppa Tops arrives with the Tarsands boys and the Premier. The TBs are equipped with dino-saws. PT gesticulates, giving instructions to clear the area. He indicates that the Premier is to smooth things over. He then exits. The herbivores repeat their rhythmic speech and the Tarsands boys chant overtop.

Tarsands: C’mon boys, let’s make some noise
We’re gonna… saw wood
C’mon boys, these ain’t no toys
Let’s cut ‘em… down for good!

C’mon boys, let’s do some stuff
There’s gonna be… no trees
C’mon boys, show you’re tough
Let’s build them factories

Denizens [in counterpoint]: Yum, crunch, chew, munch
Mmm! These do taste good!
Yum, crunch, chew, munch
Like good leaves should!

Yum, crunch, chew, munch
Mmm! All that we please!
Yum, crunch, chew, munch
Long live the trees!

Tarsands: Ok, boys (and girl), it’s damage time!! Start your dino-saws!

The Tarsands Boys start their dino-saws and the woods are filled with the growling and chomping of little wood-chewing lizards. They start cutting down trees to make way for the new donut factory. The terrified herbivores panic and seek the help of the Premier. The TBs saw their way off stage.

Dinos: Mr. Premier, help us! Something terrible is happening. Our forest! They’re destroying it. Etc.
Hoodwink: Good herbivores, listen to me. There is no need to panic.
Dino_3: But the forest!
Dino_2: All the trees!
Dino_4: Premier Hoodwink, you’ve got to stop them!
Dino_1: Yeah! They’ve got no right to do that to our trees!
Hoodwink: Now, now, good denizens of Yucatan, listen to me. It may be loud and scary. And, at first glance, it looks like you are losing a favourite place to graze.
Dino_3: We are! They’re destroying our forest!
Dinos: Yeah!
Hoodwink: Ah, but what looks to you like destruction, to a true visionary?such as myself?looks like progress!
Dino_4: What’s that?
Hoodwink: Your problem is that you can’t see the big picture.
Dino_2: We can and it looks bad!
Hoodwink: No, no. It’s the little picture that looks bad. Why, the big picture looks fantastic!
Dino_1: I don’t get it.
Hoodwink: No, that’s because you can’t see the forest for the trees [Music begins]
Dino_3: But there are no trees!
Hoodwink: You miss the point. Listen carefully!

Can’t See the Forest for the Trees [no vocal recorded yet]
Premier Hoodwink

Now you may see a lake
That’s half empty to you
But what you see is what you take
For it is half full too!
Now you may see some land
And think the trees are gone
But what you fail to understand
Is nothing… has gone wrong.

You can’t judge a Rex by the cover
Cause beauty is deeper than skin
You can’t tell a good egg from another
When thick shells are keeping it in. [taps their heads]
You can’t tell a rock from a hard place
When you’re just shooting the breeze
So don’t bite your snout off just to spite your face
When you can’t see the forest for the trees

Dinos: What trees? I don’t see any trees. etc. [interjections]

Know what makes the heart grow fonder?
It’s absence, don’t you know?
So if you have no trees to ponder
Just think how your love will grow!

Dinos: Never thought of it that way. What’s he talking about? Gosh. etc.

You fall in a hole? Better climb out!
Don’t dig deeper instead!
Or your little brain will need some time out
Just as sure as the lump on your head [taps heads]
Now trust me, I know just what you got
Is short-sighted social disease
So maybe you are not the sharpest claw on the paw
When you can’t see the forest for the trees, my friend
When you can’t see the forest for the trees

Dinos: I still don’t see any trees. I don’t get it. etc.

Hoodwink: Now you understand!
Dinos: No. Not really. Uh-uh. Etc.
Hoodwink: Then, let me explain it this way, my good denizens of Yucatan. In the short term, you’ll lose a few worthless trees. In the long term, what you’ll be gaining is this!! [He holds up a cardboard donut box.]
Dinos: “What’s that?” “Ah look.” “I wonder what’s in there!” “Is that what I think it is?” Etc.
Hoodwink: This, my friends, is a box of the most glorious, chewy, sweet and mouth-watering creations on the face of this fair planet!
Dinos: [They gasp and salivate and smack their lips.] Do you think maybe it’s…
Hoodwink: When these few insignificant shrubs are cleared away, Poppa Tops, that leading citizen, will build a state-of-the-art factory to manufacture millions and millions of DONUTS!
Dinos: “Oh, it is.” “Yummy.” Etc.
Hoodwink: Here. Have some! You lucky creatures will never have to eat boring old leaves again!
Dinos: “Hurrah!” “Oh happy day!” “No more yucky leaves.” Etc.
Hoodwink: And I have more good news. Everyone in the Premier Hoodwink re-election team is invited to party headquarters for?you guessed it?more free donuts!!
Dinos: [More gasping and salivating and lip-smacking.]
Hoodwink: So who’s for joining Team Hoodwink?
Dinos: “I am!” “Count me in!” “Oh yes!” Etc.
Hoodwink: Ha-ha. Then let’s go!

All exit. One dinosaur, Betty’s Mom, hesitates. She looks a little apprehensive. Then her appetite gets the better of her and she smacks her lips and runs after the crowd to join them.

BM: I’m not so sure about this. But… they are very yummy…
Wait for me. I’m coming too!

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